I'm not very 'religious'

Well, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not as 'religious' as I thought I was.

I miss church sometimes. We just don't go, for whatever reason. Does that mean I'm not placing enough priority on God in my life? It's one day, set aside for worshipping Him. It isn't as though I'm doing anything else. We just don't go.

I do not always get into my Bible to start my morning. Truth be told, I've done a much better job with those morning prayers and devotionals since Dewey's been gone, but still, it's not always consistent. Not like it should be.

I struggle with things that I think should be settled in my heart concerning 'religion' and such. I don't care for the term 'religion' at all, but for lack of a better word right now, it gets to the point. I don't like labels. I am a blood-bought Christian. A child of God. I happen to attend an Independent Baptist church right now, but I don't know that I can really identify with the label of Baptist. Maybe at some point I could. Honestly, it is probably the closest denomination/label that fits my beliefs, but these days there are as many flavors of Baptist as there are every other religious variant out there. Someone doesn't like this or that belief so they tweak it a bit and give themselves a new name. It's ridiculous. I don't see that in Scripture anywhere -- did I miss the part about needing a gazillion denominations?

Saturday or Sunday? I suppose one could argue any day of the week set aside for worship and giving of one's self to The Lord would be ok. I have too much 'debater' in me -- I can argue both sides. Part of me struggles with Sunday being more of a day created for corporate worship, something more man-made than God-ordained these days. Another part of me could argue that Saturday is the true Sabbath. OT Sabbath, NT Lord's Day. Georgian calendars (?) and the changing of our methods of tracking days and weeks, variants in naming the days ofthe week, etc.

Why am I legalistic for dressing in dresses-only, for wearing a headpcovering, for mandating this for my children as well (modesty, conservativeness in dress, etc), for seeking something more than most churches today are offering? I don't tell anyone else to follow my lead -- I'm not God. I'm not your Bible. I'm just anothe pilgrim on the Path, maybe the same one you are, maybe I'm on another one. Time and a good prayerful reading of Scripture will let you know. I have a strong belief in rules, standards, for my children. Of course, just thinking along those lines places me at odds with everyone else. I was told at church that if I keep strong rules for my children, they will run hardand fast the other direction as soon as they can. Pick my battles, I was cautioned.

I can't live like that. Things are plain and simple in my heart. It isn't a matter of gray...it's black and white. You have right and you have wrong. You don't have 'maybe' tucked in there. I understand the concept of 'free will' and all that, but that is different in my mind. There are rules everywhere...you are born under rules, you grow up under rules, you marry under rules, your job comes with rules attached. Your life is grounded by the rules you keep...or those you choose to ignore.

Were I to give my children over to themselves, even my teenagers, what would you exect to happen? They would dress like everyone they saw who exuded some sort of 'freedom' and 'fancy' in their manner. They wouldn't be concerned with schooling at all, it's no fun. They would eat as they pleased, when they pleased and hang everyone else. They would come and go as they chose, they would run amok in the world as so many do already. Do what you want, when you want, how you want and to hell with what anyone thinks about it. Situationalism, Utilitarianism, Free Will.

Bunk.

Where does it all end? Is it important, really, in the end? Do I need a label, a specified day of the week and a church building to call home? Do I need to skip the rules that govern all common decency and morality so my children can be 'happy' in their own minds? Shall I just throw caution to the winds of the world and just pray on my face for God to grant mercy to me and still bless and guide my children?

Not that I think He won't or can't in any way, but does it really make any sense that He would? Yes, I know th Scripture about seeking and finding, asking and receiving. But still...I have some stake in this. These children are God's -- not mine. I am just the steward over His Gift. If I allow them to turn their backs to everything and pick and choose what suits them on any given day, I've really slacked off on God's Gifts to me. I can't do that. I don't know how to really 'steward' them properly, but I have to keep seeking a way to do it. That is what I am called to do. Seek and respond.

I don't have any answers to anything. Maybe if I studied His Word more often, more deeply, I'd have some answers for my ponderings and mind-wanderings. I don't know why I struggle with certain things. As I said before, they should be settled, I would think, after this time. The internet isn't much help. I can find very good arguments on both sides, all sides, of each pondering I have. That leaves me to decide for myself. I need to pick and choose, it seems. I just don't know if I can do that. It just doesn't seem right.

I have no idea what has prompted all this religious rhetoric in my mind today, but it's been rolling about in there, bouncing off the walls all day. Sometimes I do wish I could simply turn off my mind and just not think. I over-think things far too much.