Thursday, August 19, 2010

Heads Up...I'm gonna rant...

I got an email this morning from a 'friend' who said she wanted to let me know that she has deleted my blog from her Reader, and has deleted mailings from me on the Yahoo Groups she and I are both on, and apparently as of sending this note this morning to me, has deleted me from her contact list. Her reason? She said I seem to be too judgmental toward non-country living and breathing folks. Folks who live the country life as much as they can....the back to basics skills, the livestock, the gardening and putting by of their own fresh foods, folks living "old fashioned" lives.

In short, I have some kind of hatred for city folks.

First off, what's the cowardly point of emailing me some whiney cry-baby rant about "I'm not gonna be your friend anymore" and explain why you are deleting my existence from your online life? Sure, I like having friends as much as the next, and it's rather sad when a friend disappears off my list, but what's with the throwing a stick at my window and running away when I turn around? Hello...that is very grade school childish. Instigate and run. Cowardly at best.

I suppose I should make some sort of honest apology here for the fact that I'm fairly transparent and say what I mean, when I mean it. I am not a waiver in the breeze kind of person. I do not alter my opinions based on the current winds of wishy-washy acquaintances around me. I am who I am, and within a couple blog entries it should be pretty apparent who that is, what I believe and where I draw my lines.

The issue with this friend is based on a couple of email conversations we've had recently about her living in the country. Her husband isn't home much as he works in another city, and she is home with their 4 children under 10 by herself, in the house they built, out in a small town country village for a couple weeks at a time. She instigated the conversation wanting to know what I thought she should do about being so far away from everything and everyone, how do I handle my family with my own husband gone so much, etc.

I asked why they built something so far from his work. Seems they 'have always wanted to live in the country' and the land was pretty when they bought it.

Ok, yes I probably have an issue with city dwellers moving to the country. City folks come to the country claiming they want to live there, slower pace, all that stuff. What do they do shortly after arriving? They whine and complain like a 2 yo about how far everything is, how the farmer down the road runs his tractor/combine etc on the roadway slowing traffic, how it's dusty from the field work, how noisy the animals are, how they 'smell' when the wind is right, how they don't like driving on inferior gravel roads...the list goes on.

Or they move to the country, build a house they can't afford in the first place, then off goes husband to find better paying work and wife dear is left, essentially dumped in the country as a single parent. She discovers pretty quickly that she never wanted 'the country life' in the first place and now she complains constantly about all the things listed above and then some.

I asked said friend about things like gardening, homeschooling (she does, and complains about that as well...) and asked if these were things she'd be doing if she lived in a city again. No, probably not, because her children need friends and socialization (oh that seriously chaps my attitude when folks use that word as an excuse...) and in the city she'd have better access to decent quality foods at better stores.

Yes, by this point in the multiple emails, I was probably not as nice and polite as I could have/should have been. When her husband is home they leave the house in the country and stay with his parents in the city. I don't get that at all, and asked again what the point of building in the country was. She decided I wasn't being much of friend because I wasn't sympathetic toward her problem.

No, I don't guess I was. It wasn't exactly 'intentional' but no, I wasn't sympathetic. From my view thru her window of life, she and her husband have some pretty fundamental core issues they better address before they end up divorced. They aren't living the same life at all. He is doing his thing in the city and she's moaning and complaining in the country. They knew building the house where they did what life was like, and more importantly, what the job prospects were, yet they forged ahead like pouty children because they "wanted" that pretty property.

There is little, and these are her own words, 'family life' with his basically living in the city and her and the children living in this country setting. Yes, my husband is working in another city/state, and yes I myself am in a very rural setting away from "city perks" like fancy stores, activities and action. The biggest difference I can see from what she has shared is that I wanted the country long before we got here, and my husband actually MISSES his family time, whereas her husband seems pretty content to not have any of that.

Like I said, bottom line is they have serious marriage and family issues that need tending to. I'm sure location is adding to their issues, but there are a lot more deep seated troubles here than just location. Or am I the only one who sees that?

I dislike city folk who whine about their lot in life. I'm not biased. I dislike country folk who whine about their lot in life just as much. Your life is what YOU make it. Country or city, some folks are going to be whiny regardless. Me, I'd be far more whiny about being stuck in some over-crowded, subdivision dwelling where I have to be a Stepford Wife, or maintain the length of my yard to someone else's specifications. Still, location is very unimportant and isn't an excuse for complaining constantly. Some folks just aren't going to be 'happy' anywhere when they have so many other problems in their lives.

Does any of this strike you as contrary to what I have always said and believed? I didn't tell this friend to bail on the country and tend to her marriage first and her personal complaints second. If I had been utterly blunt and to the point I would have said
1) You and husband need to have some serious, deep discussions about what you both expect from your marriage and from each other. The sort of conversations that should have occurred long before you got married and had children.
2) If he is determined to be gone in the city all the time without his wife and children, sell the stupid country house and move to the city with him. You already don't like living in the country, so WHY STAY THERE?
3) TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND! Did I mention that you both have some serious marriage issues that need to be addressed??

If you aren't going to suck it up and make the best out of your self-inflicted lot in life, stop complaining about that lot. It's of your own making. Either take steps to CHANGE it or take steps to LIKE it. Whining isn't getting you anywhere.

That's as sympathetic as I can get, sorry. Dewey and I have had some knock-down drag out arguments in our time, but for the most part we've worked through them. I still have my issues and I'm sure he has several as well but fundamentally, we live the same life. I don't understand folks getting married and having children when they know so little about each other, they talk about nothing of importance really, and they obviously have no sense of what FAMILY means. This living your life while I live my own just makes no sense. I couldn't live that way :(

So, yes, I suppose I have issues with city dwellers. Not sure how that connects to this particular instance at all, but I suppose I'll apologize for that bias in my life.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Blessings Sister Deanna!
As usual, I love your rant! I couldn't have said it better myself:P I don't often have the words that you do, but I always try to convey my opinion, making sure folks always understand it is MY opinion and therefore is my right to have it :)

You are right as rain! I don't have problems with city dweller vs. country dweller at all. But, like you, it's difficult to "help" someone who doesn't really want help, they simply want someone to commiserate instead. I'm not miserable where I am! I wasn't even miserable as a suburbanite, oh so long ago. I learned to blossom where I was planted and live life with my "family". Being with my family is where I am happiest and if that's the city then so be it :D Of course, I do feel very blessed that it ISN"T in the city :P

It's so difficult when we don't have the answers folks want to hear. Surely, by now, folks who've gotten even a small glance at who you are, wouldn't want to even ASK you unless they want to hear the straight out advice you offer:)

I'm afraid I don't encourage whining either and some folks just don't appreciate that :) I've been UNfriended and deleted many times by being frank. (or ethel :D)

God be with thee!
Sister Lori

Mrs. Bridget G. said...

I love this post. As a city dweller my whole life, I see nothing wrong with anything you say. It seems as if your "friend" if you could call her that just wanted to use you as a therapist or something just so she could whine and cry about her problems. And when you didn't coddle and agree with her, she got mad. Real mature. Keep being as outspoken and lovely as you are and don't worry about other people's childish mentalities. :)

Greg and Donna said...

I think she would have valid complaints if he had built the country house and left her there to go to the big city. But they both chose it. But neither wants it now...they both "live" in the city on the weekends. They have some serious issues and need counseling. It sounds like he is living a dual life now that he has her tucked safely away in the country (just my thoughts in reading this).

It does sound like..."if you don't support poor little-ole me, I won't be your friend". If she whines like that to hubby, that may be the reason he is away so much.

Becky said...

Well said, Deanna - there are obviously some deeper issues if he is content to leave her and the children in the country while he stays in the city.

My daughter has a wonderful saying for people who start to complain to her "Do you want a solution or do you just want to complain?" (she's 12), lol.

Blessedmom said...

Hello Sister Deanna,

I wholeheartedly agree with you here. As a city dweller, there are plenty of things I could whine about, just as I'm sure there could be in the country. However there is a choice you have to make no matter where you are at, and that's to be content or not. If you and your husband have prayed God's will for your life and followed that will, and you don't like it, well then tough!

As a personal testimony, it was my wanting to move out in the country when we started our search for homes, I wanted to move out there so bad, but my husband did not have the same desires as I did, he wouldn't have minded living out in the country, but there were certain aspects of it that he was not comfortable with. Did I whine and gripe about getting my way, until I got my way...I may have wanted to do that, but I followed my husband, and we bought a home smack dab in the middle of the city. Did I sit and sulk about it? No, I prayed about it, and God showed me there is so much I can do right where He has planted us. And because I am in God's will, which is being in submission to my husband, he has blessed us abundantly here!

So, it sounds like to me this woman needs to do some serious praying and talk to her husband about where he feels they should be, and follow his lead!

Blessings!
sara

PlainCatholic said...

Tis sad how the "culture of whine" has become so prevalent.

An attitude of gratitude for all that God gives us the first step to joy in the Lord. There will always be those who have a worse situation than we do.

We can and must pray for all.

Lisa said...

ITA with you Deanna. It is so hard to be sweet, sympathetic, etc., when someone really isn't interested in heeding good common sense advice, but just want to complain and whine. That is so draining on a person's time, patience, and spirit! Sounds to me like it is just as well she "unfriended" you.

Blessing to you and your family!
In Christ,
Lisa

Life of a plainlady said...

Whew! that really was a rant! Bet you felt good after all that was vented!!! It was such a good rant that even I felt better!!
I have had to deal with some of the same type of stuff from a few ladies I know. They get so enamored with living the "little house on the prairie" liftstyle that they forget there is smells and dust and long drives to put up with and buy some country home and last about 3 weeks. In my case, I get to deal with her talking about how it was 'back in (city)'. Well, if was so great and good, why'd ya leave?????
I've been de-listed by someone I see every Sunday at church! How's that for maturity, or should I say immaturity? Whoever said actions show the true character of the soul really knew what they were talking about. Instead of this 'friend' of yours ,or mine, saying 'OUCH' and maybe they don't agree or saying 'wow that hurt', they find it easier to go to their faceless computor where they don't have to look you in the eye and say anything and de-friend you/me. Which makes me wonder ....were they ever really my friend??
There now I have had my rant!!!

Deborah said...

We live in the suburbs. We have a small, modest home. I finally have a yard to take care of and we can have a garden!!
I bake bread, cook mostly from scratch, sew and quilt. We live a simple life, right here in the city.
And I am grateful for what we have. It is more than I ever dreamed of.
ps
Cast iron cookware really messes up electric stove burners! I do wish we at least had natural gas!

Kids and Canning Jars said...

Sorry you had to go through all this. Life is life. Live by who you are and love it. It is hard to find out who your friends really are. Good luck

Melissa

Lacey said...

I was looking for a homemade chocolate cream pie and happened across this site. As I was scrolling down the list of content I saw this "rant". From what I've read in your rant and in a couple of other posts, you seem to be a blunt person so I hope you can appreciate my bluntness. First of all, I want you to know that I completely understand that we need to rant from time to time but I also know that we need to be careful and not be carnal when we do. I know you are annoyed with the person that was once your friend and her actions seem to have hurt you somewhat. I know what that feels like, as well. Anyway, I wanted to point out that not only were you ranting but you were gossiping, as well. You shared personal things that this person shared with you and have made others, who might not know her, judge her based on your words regarding her. I am not sure if you are correct or not that her marriage is in trouble but you really had no right to put that out there. Because of your sharing personal info and sharing your assumptions, you have caused discord among brethren (Proverbs 6:16-19) Sometimes we do or say things that are displeasing to God and not even be aware we are doing them. I'm telling you this in love and I hope you take it as such. As I'm typing this I'm even wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not but I feel compelled to. Only God knows what is truly going on with this woman and her husband. He's the only one that really knows what is in her heart or why she acted the way she did. Gossip is such an easy trap to fall into, especially when we're upset with someone. I've done it myself many, many times as we all have. Instead of tearing her down, why not be a kind sister in the Lord and pray for her? Thanks for letting me comment and you take care. I'm going to try your pie recipe. After this, if I'm allowed to post again, I'll let you know how it turned out lol

Jer.6:16

Jeremiah 6:16
Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls.

Blog Archive